brief notes on war being the force that gives us meaning.

Moment of vulnerability:

I woke up this morning from a recurring dream I’ve been having for four years now. I hadn’t had it in a few weeks/months and it chose last night to reappear. The dream is usually a bittersweet, yet welcome visitor. In this dream, I get to revisit the single greatest heartbreak of my life.

In dreams we always greet one another warmly. We meet somewhere where we are free from the bottomless wrath and pain we’ve had surrounding one another.  We acknowledge the love and friendship we shared, apologize for the damage we caused one another, and go our separate ways. We never go any deeper than that simple act of peacemaking.  .  We never try and make amends or start over.  We both know some wounds go too deep for that.  We just walk away peaceably.  It’s my favorite worst dream ever.  I used to have it weekly.  It’s down to every few months now.

In the interest of context, four years ago I walked away from one of my best friends.  I will do the reader a favor and spare the details of a tumultuous friendship and it’s subsequent ending.  To say it hurt would be an understatement.  It was that type of heartache where you fear you might never feel like yourself again.  I later likened it to waking up with the emotional equivalent of a kidney stone every day for a year.

The last year of my life has been spent trying to reconcile the ruins of relationships and interpersonal conflict, while also recognizing and reconciling a life that has been largely defined by interpersonal conflict.  I’m fucking exhausted.  I get it.  I’ve been referred to as an incredibly volatile individual time and time again. I never learned how to trust.  I struggle with the belief that love is nothing more than reproduction instinct coupled with lust, and in the end I mostly rely on my tendency to lay complete and utter emotional waste to whatever causes me pain to keep me safe.

Loving freely through layers of trauma and the mean streak my momma left me is the single heaviest burden I have ever been blessed with. It’s going to be my life’s work.  Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it’s worth it, especially in the last year, where I’ve had my narrative surrounding people, and whether they are poison are not reinforced again and again.  It turns out people can be poison, myself included. This is why I’ve mostly been a “got no friends, only people I know” kinda guy for so long.

I don’t really know how to close this.  I don’t have any answers, not tonight.  I know how incredibly difficult I can be. If you are a person I’ve hurt, or I’ve hurt someone you care about, I’m doing the best I can at working on it, okay? ❤

 

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brief notes on war being the force that gives us meaning.

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