I love my bedroom right now.
It’s warm. I’m safe, though I wish my door locked. I’ve always preferred to have bedroom doors that locked. My sheets are clean. My dog is snoring on my baby blanket next to me. I’m in my underwear I’m splitting my time between working on a poem, and trying to write the most heartfelt apology letter I can write to a person who really deserves it. I periodically stop what I’m doing to do push-ups. Trying to fight through the depression fog and get back into training for real. It’s funny, they always talk about how good exercise is for depression. I feel like everyone neglects how hard it is to want to exercise when you’re depressed.
I feel a little lonely. I feel content. I feel hopeful about the future.
This morning when I woke up, the void felt like it was filling every fiber of my being, just that inescapable and inexorable emptiness that is constantly fighting to fill my body. One of the BPD traits that I struggle the most with is a constant feeling of emptiness. I decided to just name it. “The Void”. Like, if I give that sense of emptiness a name, then it I can identify it as an enemy. After that, I can learn all of it’s weaknesses. Once I have learned the void’s weaknesses, then I can destroy it.
In today’s mission to annihilate the void, I managed to get out of bed and go to work. I managed to do some solidarity work. Then I got to see my sweetie and one of my best friends for a few minutes. After that I spent time with a new friend learning about making music.
In a few minutes, I’ll put on an episode of the twilight zone and fall asleep. Mission accomplished. Another day survived.