Divination II

Back then
I took my sheets
And my blanket
To the laundromat
Washed them
Clean on heavy soil
With a handful of salt
To dissolve
A summer’s sleep seeped in sorrow
And restless ghosts
Getting this tiny room
Ready to welcome you into my home.

I loved you
The way a
masochist loves the wound
They feed and feed, never
Feeling like the world would be enough

Within six months
I threw all those sheets away
Scoured my room of anything you ever touched
Burned all the photos
Tore out every page
Sometimes it’s just best
To let the memories fade
Like some loves are better born to early deaths.

Said a long goodbye
To hollow lives
And nonchalant lies
Dropped out of playing
Audience to a one-way race from this life

I wish I could say
There weren’t times
Where the vicious games you played
Didn’t have me throwing my arms
In the air and succumbing to hate

Goodbyes are hard like that
Closing chapters
For stories that never
Knew quite where to end
I mean
They all end in death
Eventually, anyway.

It’s the slow hours
Out in the cold
The weeks, months
And years that end up
Passing in a flash
Before that fearful
Leap into the dark

That I don’t know how
To make sense of
Digging years’ worth rot out
Of a heart, stalled out
At the crossroads somewhere
Between calloused and careworn

I don’t hate you
Not really
It just got to a point
Where kindness and patience
Felt like trying to offer
Comfort to a creature
Addicted
To the sound of their own death throes
Trying to claw my insides
Out on the way down
All the while

Love is easy
To leave
Lying bleeding
This time around at least
A sad song played on repeat
Dancing to the beat
Our parents moved their feat
To before we were born

I knew in a sense
That we would be parting ways for good
Dropping you off at the airport that day
I merged back onto the highway
Headed south in the sun
And didn’t look back
Off to better things, I guess
Or at least different ones.

I don’t know
Where you are now
And I can’t say
I really even want to know
But I hope you’re well
And have found a comfortable
Place to wait
For that long shadow to fall
I hear you calling sometimes
From across a void of soul
And I will never answer

Someone who knew you once told me:
“I don’t believe in evil, but if I did
Well, she’d fit the goddamn description”
Maybe she was right
Maybe she was wrong
Maybe you were just playing the part
Always the star of your own
Resounding contrived tragedies
Falling to your knees
At the center of the stage
Sickness and suffering, the best of your offerings
To every person who ever loved
You and tried to help you back from the abyss

My hands scarred to the bone
From holding on
Trying to offer a lifeline
For far too long

We will not meet again
Except maybe in dreams
Even that much contact
I think I could go without

I opted out of
Tender tomorrow mornings
And the feel of
Your sleepy hand on my back
The breath of your
Want slipping sweetly
From your mouth
Down my neck

I was a sucker
For the sweetest lies
And the cheapest lives
Lived in the hollow heart
Of the woman I once knew
Or maybe never knew at all

But I know where now
Stories should end
Or at least where characters
Should gracefully bow out

Some shadows
You just gotta let
The people you love
Face alone
Lest they swallow you whole
As well

Saving yourself
Even when it feels
Like you lost
A part of your heart
In the process

I’m not mad
Not anymore
I miss you sometimes
But I’m glad you are gone

So I keep my candles lit
Tonight I’ll whisper
To kinder spirits
Speaking of holy forgiveness
All over again
Before slipping off to rest.

Divination II

Written in the dairy Aisle, 8:08 PM.

I love you and
I hate you and
I don’t hate you
At all.

We were both just
So fucking mad
And I’m so sorry for that.

I hear nowadays
You are hurting real bad.

How seizures keep
You shivering in your bed
Gasping for breath
And clutching for your CBD pens

I heard it at the grocery store
My first thought
Was to shoplift
As many of those
Little fuckers as
I could possibly push
Into my pockets.

Seal them safely in a package
Sent with no return address
To your last known residence.

With love,
Your favorite ex-friend.

Written in the dairy Aisle, 8:08 PM.

Dear Absentee

Dear absentee
With this ache I want to much to believe
This could be our very last sad story
There’s just so much out there
Lurking in the dark to be afraid of tonight

First and foremost
I’m afraid for all the beautiful
Broken toothed victory stories
That we might never live to tell

How we were supposed to grow
Old, brilliant, but most of all, unbroken
Bitterness and defeat never taking deep enough
Of a hold on our bodies to ever hold them
In place

Because we were always born to run
To move and grow and bloom
And not let the brokenness of
The world we left behind break in turn

At home
I pause to breathe the cold air in
Beneath the light of the moon
I pray with all the strength I have left
That the light finds its way down to you too

Wherever you may be, lost in a wilderness
Of fractured reflections
And the hardest of truths
While everyone who ever
Ever loved you

Most of all
Waits and waits
And waits
Hoping
You’ll just come home.

Dear Absentee