I fell in love and it scrambled my brain.

So I haven’t been writing as much. Still grinding away at this novel, but aside from that I mostly try and sit calmly with the present. For whatever reason, writing about the present has always proven difficult for me. It’s like I have a hard time articulating the significance of an event until after it’s time as has passed and I’ve had time to reflect. Maybe that’s why my first book is about a life lived two decades ago. I can tell you with absolute clarity what it was all for, and what it all meant.

The present… The Present feels jittery and electric, like I want to do a million things at once. Maybe that’s the strong cup of green tea and chronic lack of sleep talking though. Or maybe too much time researching bullshit on the internet is making me foggy before my years. I don’t know. I can’t think clearly right now. Maybe I should just be outside with my dog (The real love of my life.)

What I’m trying to articulate here, is what a joy it is to fall in love. I haven’t been in love in some years. Opening my heart to another has never been something I’ve done lightly, and rarely something I’ve given myself to fully. If we’re being real, I’ll one part blame on being socialized in a culture of toxic masculinity, one part mental illness and trauma, and the last part just kind of feeling like a whole lot of the people I encounter aren’t worth my vulnerability and authenticity anyway. People can be disingenuous and dishonorable shitbags. I see it on most of them, and keep my distance. People are also flawed and wounded and wonderful and most of us are doing the best we can. It’s the ones that use their hardships as an excuse to never grow or change that I can’t abide to share my time with.

Or people can’t handle my authenticity or vulnerability. That’s possible too. I think I encounter that one a lot. I don’t know. It’s difficult to be objective about yourself sometimes. I am more than aware of myself as a “difficult person”. I am painfully aware that I’m unlucky enough to experience the terrifying and joyous journey of life through a certain lens, and the world I see through that lens doesn’t always match with the world the people I love are seeing.

That is to say, trauma and mental illness done fucked up my perception of reality. I won’t make any apologies for how I experience the world, not like I wanna experience it in this way either. I’m real sorry for the vital connections it’s caused me to break over the years, most of them anyway.

Anyway… Love poem in progress. I think we’ll title it Janky Love Poem #1 because I’m feeling real sweet and vulnerable and clumsy right now. I don’t know if I’ve ever written something about a relationship while I was still in it.

Falling in
Falling away
From an idea of love cheapened
With plastic sentiment
Filled with impossible promises
Of a saccharine soaked forever
And sepia toned happily ever after
Accepting each imperfect
And impermanent moment

Making monuments from ruins
An idea of love
Falling like walls
Cracked open
Like precious stones
Once hidden in rubble

Falling in love like
Tearing lonely cynicism to shreds
For gentle whispers of
How the world is still worth fighting for
Four simple words to sink in
“Nihilism is so stupid”
It’s true.

That’s all. I’m going outside. Maybe I’ll work on this more later. Maybe I’ll leave it as it is, a clumsily sweet monument to the first tenuous steps of falling in love. Only time will tell. For now, I will enjoy this moment.

Thank you for reading. ❤

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I fell in love and it scrambled my brain.

Anyway, things burn.

Flicking matches scratched
Off of broken teeth
Into broken homes hollowed out
Dry as bones and drenched in gasoline.

Making way for moving the fuck on
I just wanna watch it all go up in smoke
Tearing out every page we wrote

The story wasn’t even good the first time around
Bored as I get with cliched melodrama
And true tales of tragedy and woe

Come on baby, dry your eyes now
We’ve all fucked with fire
Just to know how
It felt to get burned. 

Anyway, things burn.

Dear Absentee

Dear absentee
With this ache I want to much to believe
This could be our very last sad story
There’s just so much out there
Lurking in the dark to be afraid of tonight

First and foremost
I’m afraid for all the beautiful
Broken toothed victory stories
That we might never live to tell

How we were supposed to grow
Old, brilliant, but most of all, unbroken
Bitterness and defeat never taking deep enough
Of a hold on our bodies to ever hold them
In place

Because we were always born to run
To move and grow and bloom
And not let the brokenness of
The world we left behind break in turn

At home
I pause to breathe the cold air in
Beneath the light of the moon
I pray with all the strength I have left
That the light finds its way down to you too

Wherever you may be, lost in a wilderness
Of fractured reflections
And the hardest of truths
While everyone who ever
Ever loved you

Most of all
Waits and waits
And waits
Hoping
You’ll just come home.

Dear Absentee

About a Boy Two: The Hale and the Whole

About a boy Two: The Hale and the Whole

Tears trace your eyes
As we wind our way home
Down Valencia Street
We move in fits and starts
Like windswept leaves

Brittle smiles cautiously breaking
With the spring breeze
Inhale, exhale be grateful for these
Small moments when breath comes gently

You clear your throat and apologize
For all the horror you’ve told
Like my hearing you relive it
Would be too much for my heart to hold

It’s okay
My love
It’s okay

You do know how I have been sick with worry
That clumsy words could ever be enough
To bring our war-weary
And worn out nights to a close

It is a war, after all
You know, the one waged on our bodies
From the day we were born
Into our ill-fitting, misaligned skin

In the neon glowing darkness
Of a crumbling Oakland skyline
Your hands are scarred and shaking
As they gingerly enclose around mine
This fragile, fleeting moment in our lives

Is one inside of a thousand
Of all the tiny ways we heal
Breathe with me, please
Just keep breathing.

Inhale, exhale think about the breath
Pushing stale air out of your lungs
And bringing fresh oxygen to your cells
How even when you want to die
Your body is doing everything
To keep you alive

And you replicate, radiate, and are reborn
Like how they skin they stained
With heartless hands will shed one day
Even when scars remain
And you are beautiful in your scars

In your survival

I love every iota and atom of you
Battered, but not quite broken
Bloody and bruised

Knocked down in the goddamn dirt
But not dead yet
And I love you on the days
When the sunlight is just too much to face

Close your eyes
Take a deep breath
Sleep and heal
Rest well
In the endless grace
Of passing days

About a Boy Two: The Hale and the Whole